Why I Wish I Knew It Was Narcissism And Not Just My Imagination
- Jasmine Melrose
- Aug 9, 2021
- 15 min read
Updated: Jul 5, 2022
Is there anything more validating and satisfying than knowing that you were right all along?
TW: This article discusses abuse and how to spot a narcissist and overcoming the emotional tolls of narcissistic abuse. This article could be triggering for some.
Well, I can hardly say that "being right" is any sort of compensation after enduring years of manipulation and abuse at the hands of a narcissist.
However, I do know that I cried tears of cathartic relief knowing that I wasn't the only person in the world to experience this and that I, in fact, wasn't delusional, emotional, exaggerating, embellishing, or lying about it. I wasn't any of the things my narcissist ex claimed I was.
So I cried tears for myself, because of what I had been reduced to. Knowing that others had experienced the same helped me heal, but it also made me swell with anger knowing that I wasn't the only one to experience such manipulation.
It would have been far better to have known it was narcissism in the moment, sure, but I guess life is always like that.
We don’t always have all the information we need, or at least not all at the right time, to make it through life without any bumps in the road.
But we smooth them out later as we learn from our mistakes, seeing in hindsight that, some of the things we did weren't really the best or the smartest, but what is done is done and we move on, we get better.
After all, it’s how we get up that defines us, not why we fell in the first place.
But what if the mistake you made was a lack of seeing the wrong in someone else? What if the mistake was allowing yourself to be manipulated by someone? Are you to blame if, rather than falling on your own accord, you were pushed?
Sadly, before we talk any more about what it means to be with someone who hurts you, it is also important to come to terms with accountability and how it plays a role in abusive relationships.
Whether the person who hurt you was physically abusive, emotionally, psychologically, financially, or any combination of the following, YOU as the victim are never to blame.
The accountability that needs to be taken therefore is; I am a survivor. It took me some time but I left. I made it out and for that I am strong. I chose me and for that I am alive.
I have been asked many times, “but why didn’t you just leave? Its not like they were holding a gun to your head”. This assumption couldn’t be anymore inaccurate.
I was threatened, I was terrified, I was lost, I was fooled into thinking that I needed to stay, that I had no better option, that I would be nothing without them.
Every time I found enough courage to say that what was happening between us was wrong I was told that it was all in my head, that it was my imagination, that I was lying and twisting the truth, that I was just jealous, that I wasn’t capable of love if I couldn’t see them as perfect.
And the scariest thing was, for a long time, I believed that they were right. That I was worthless, useless, a burden, incapable of doing anything on my own.
I used to day dream about being happy again, confident again, finding any moment I could to hide, finding peace only in my mind as my reality had nothing for me, it was my only escape, even if just for a moment.
At the time that this was happening to me, I didn’t know what gaslighting was. I didn’t know what narcissism was. I thought that I was alone and only my partner at the time, was like this.
It made me feel all the more alone.
I was isolated, I wasn’t allowed to speak with my friends or spend time without my ex. I had no one to compare my experiences with, I had no perspective. No way to see how wrong the relationship was.
I spent a long time hating myself for staying, for staying so long. For essentially losing those years of my life. Why didn’t I see the signs? Why didn’t I just run the first chance I got?
How did I allow myself to lose everything?
And the truth is, it just happened so fast. One minute there was charm and passion and the next it was too late. I was too far in already and I thought that I would never have another option. And believe it or not, when I finally did leave, I was riddled with guilt.
The emotional manipulation was so intense that, even once I had made it out, I felt as though it was my fault. That I had ruined their life. That I had hurt them. That I was a bad person.
Now, I am just a woman with a story. I am not a doctor, I am not a mental health expert who is qualified to diagnose narcissism in a person.
I began my healing journey by seeking help, and now, I would like to share my journey, in hopes that, someone who may read this might feel as I did.
That what they are experiencing is wrong. That they can seek help and find a way out. My purpose for writing this is to share the things I wish I knew. For those that want to see, heal or for those that are still trying to leave their current situation or relationship.
I hope that some of these red flags and personal experiences might hit home for you and encourage you to act, to walk away, and know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.
At the time, I just wanted out. I needed to take care of myself first. But now, I want to use my voice to help others do the same and hopefully, to do so sooner than I did.
So here are some warning signs and red flags to be aware of that narcissists use to manipulate. If you notice a pattern or that you are checking off all of the boxes, I encourage you to speak up and seek professional help.
How to Spot a Narcissist
They are practically mystical: Falling for the narcissist’s charm and their “love bombing”
It is important to remember that manipulators are incredibly tactical, intelligent, even relentless. Narcissists are no different. So when you search your mind for reasons why you let yourself fall for them, remember that you are not alone.
Anyone who has been in a relationship with a narcissist has fallen for their charm. At first they come across as strong, confident, attractive, and you feel wanted, desired. I know that in my particular case it felt like a “finally a (man) who knows what (he) wants!” feeling. But then, things start getting intense very quickly.
Things go from 0-100 and before you know it, they are saying things like “I love you, I want to be with you forever, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, you are my everything, I want to marry you”… yes even that last one. They start saying these things after a very short time, even after days of knowing you and this is a big red flag, as love is something that cannot be felt in a matter of hours or days.
Love is something that needs to grow over time and many people have difficultly saying those three all important words (I love you) to their significant other, however, narcissists have no problem at all, they use it as a manipulation technique called “love bombing”.
“Love bombing” occurs when someone overwhelms you with love that can be received in the form of words, actions, and certain behaviours that the narcissist will display in order to manipulate. It is used to “woo” you and win your trust, allowing you to feel like you can open up to them. Don't allow yourself to mistake this gesture as them being an "open book", honest, and communicating their feelings. It's quite the opposite.
At first it felt like a breath of fresh air after being with (men) who could not articulate their feelings and would shy away from deep conversations. I thought, finally, someone mature and in touch with their desires!
Wrong.
Some love bombing red flags are the following:
Endless compliments
Again, it feels amazing at first. They compliment everything about you all the time. They say things like “I’m obsessed with you”, “I love everything about you”. This will start even the first day they meet you, and surely within the first week of contact with them
Love “showering” and gifts
They will shower you with gifts, dinner, experiences and try to sweep you off your feet. With narcissists its always going to be grandiose because they believe that they themselves are grand and therefore their gestures are too.
Endless calls and texts
Even when you are not with them, they need you to be thinking about them 24/7. They will call, text, accuse you of cheating (in longer relationships) and try to manipulate you into spending more time with them.
If you take too long to answer their texts or don’t pick up when they call they will easily become aggressive
They want you to call it a relationship
You may have only met a day ago, but they are already calling you their boyfriend/girlfriend.
They are already changing your contact in their phone to “baby”. They are already saying things like “we were meant to be together” or “we are fated to be together”and pressuring you to call the relationship.
They need to think that you are as crazy about them as they are about you, so they demand answers from you. Saying things like “do you love me?”, or “will you always be with me”
And the list goes on.
These are some of the “love bombing” signs to look out for. Let’s continue with our list on how to spot a narcissist:
They need constant praise and attention, you cannot take your eyes off them
And I mean quite literally never. It’s like having a child. They need you to look at them or be involved in absolutely everything they do. They need you to be a witness, an observer of everything they do. A narcissist is concerned with you, and the world thinking of them at all times, and they need to feel adored. Even if that’s while they do mundane things, they need you to be actively present.
They will also say things like “look at how great I am at this", or "I’m so good at this”, trying to get a confirmation out of you. They will try to coax you into complimenting and admiring them no matter what it is they are doing.
They dream big but do nothing to work towards those dreams
They think that they are superior and that they deserve the world, so they talk the talk. They dream the dream and believe that greatness has not yet been bestowed upon them, maybe the time isn’t right they say, or it's because people underestimate them or are jealous of them.
Yet, they cannot however hold down a simple job, or quit their job every two weeks because they are frustrated by other people and the supposed "incompetence" of others. They want the world but will never work to achieve anything because they see the “work” as below them.
They think they are special and therefore only associate with people of their “caliber”
Narcissist do not want to be seen or associate with anyone who they believe to be less than them. They will try to initiate friendships with talented and beautiful people in order to add stature to their own existence.
They will also use this as a tactic to control and manipulate you. They will say things like “you must be so amazing if I like you” or “you have to be really special to be with me”, again, putting you in a position of feeling admired or wanted, when really a narcissist will use you as a mirror in which to view themselves.
This has very little to do with you and everything to do with them.
They won’t let you speak or get a word in edgewise
Narcissists love to hear the sound of their own voice. They will talk about themselves obsessively or invite you into conversation just to talk over you and steal the spotlight. Even if it is just the two of you, they will try to beat you to the punchline, interrupt you, call you boring mid story, anything to make you feel like you pail in comparison to them.
To this day I have issues with this. I often catch myself spitting out all of my words without taking a moment to breath. Or rambling on about something because I am afraid that I won’t be given the time to talk. Conversations with my ex always had me in hot tears of frustration because I was never able to finish more than two words before he would talk or yell over me. Five years without being able to complete a sentence. Five years of pent up feelings and anger. Five years of forgetting what my voice even sounded like.
They cannot hold onto friendships and say it’s because everyone is “just jealous” of them
One of the strangest things about a narcissist is, no matter how great they think they are, no matter how much they need to be surrounded by amazing and talented people, you will notice that they hardly have any longterm friends, if any at all. If they did have any there will often be a story, a tale of jealousy, of big fights and fall outs with old friends. Or they were too boring, or again, too jealous.
If a friend is a real friend, you are not concerned about them being exciting, you see them through thick and thin, through the good times and the bad. Also friends are a support system. They have your back, they are a shoulder to cry on, they are sometimes even the family you choose.
This pattern was consistent with the new and old friends. After a week of knowing a new person, the ties would be broken because they were not good enough or, cue the classic, “they are just jealous”, without a doubt, this will always be the case and the cause.
They are unable to be happy for you, they are unable to be there for you when you succeed
This was very clear, anytime I received a compliment from someone, or whenever I was praised for something I did, my ex reacted in the same way every time. They would say; “You only did well because (enter excuse), you only did better than me at that because (enter excuse), you are not as good as me its just that (enter excuse)”
Looking at things through the lens of a narcissist, success for others translates to just "getting lucky" or they say that it happened because someone else had it easier somehow.
That the odds were in someone else's favour. So you can imagine that I never once got a "good job", I never once was told, "hey congratulations, you deserved that, I’m happy for you, you work hard and now it's paying off." Never, none of that.
When I landed an important job that, was the most important in my career at that point, my ex insisted on going out for the same job so that we could be together because, long distance relationships “weren’t for him". Fine I thought. Out of the 400 people that applied and auditioned that day (for a job dancing in a company in Austria), I was one of 6 that got the job, and my ex, instead of celebrating my win with me, trashed the hotel room we were staying in and said that I got that job because... well, I can hardly remember the excuse that was used in that particular instance.
When they happen to excel at something they want your undivided attention and praise, however, if you are the one who has excelled at something, they are unable to give you credit for your work. They will always find excuses for why you succeeded and they didn’t. They will also try to sabotage you any change they get.
They criticise and belittle you constantly
The love they bombed and showered you with at the beginning will soon become constant teasing, belittling, criticisms, and name calling. Any attempt will be made in efforts to knock you down and make you feel inferior. They will tell you that you look awful on the way to a party, they will point out every pimple, scar, flaw you have so at a certain point, that is all you are able to see in yourself.
They are incapable of apologising, they are unable to accept accountability for anything
Narcissists are incapable of empathy, they are unable to apologise, and they are not capable of change. If you express upset about the things they say to you or if you get angry or cry, they will spin it back on you and use gaslighting as, yet another tool for manipulation so that they never need to be held accountable for anything.
So what is gaslighting?
According to Stephanie Moulton Sarkis, Ph.D., N.C.C., D.C.M.H.S., L.M.H.C, Author and Psychology Today contributor, gaslighting is a powerful manipulation tactic used by abusers and narcissists to gain power by causing a victim to question their reality. It starts slow so that the victim hardly notices the manipulation and brainwashing. Sarkis says, that the term was actually coined from the movie Gaslight (1944), which is about a man who manipulates his wife into thinking that she has lost her mind.
Narcissists gaslight you, they tell you lies, they confuse you, calling you crazy or delusional, they use others against you, threaten you, and deny you things that mean something to you.
Sarkis follows up by saying that manipulators who use gaslighting as a tactic do in fact, know what they are doing. They are consciously manipulating you. Even some of the most famous criminals such as Charles Manson used gaslighting and manipulation tactics.
In the unlikely case that the person is unaware of their actions, it still does not make it acceptable. The narcissists toolbox is full of manipulation tricks and tactics, and gaslighting might be one of the most effective.
To read more about Stephanie Moulton Sarkis and for more about her book on gaslighting:
They panic and can get aggressive if you try to end the relationship
Despite how manipulative, quick, cunning, and calculating narcissists are, in hopefully all cases, they do not have an actual gun to your head. You are free to leave. It will never be easy and the manipulation can be so severe that leaving may not feel like an option or even cross your mind in the first place, but you do have a choice and you do have the power.
All you have to do is pull the plug. All you have to do is the pull the curtain back and their show will be over. If you threaten to leave or stop responding to their texts and begin to cut contact with them, they will show their weakness. A narcissist cannot handle rejection and will panic at the thought of being left alone.
So with this said, will everyone experience narcissistic abuse in the same way? No. Will everyone recover from narcissistic abuse in the same way? The answer is also, no.
But in the face of all of this, all that really matters is within your pain is power, power to rise and become stronger, not because of them but in-spite of them. To own your story that no one can take away from you, and grow from that place.
You are capable of change, they however, will always be blind. Now you see the truth and in that truth, you are empowered, you know better, and you can help others spot the signs, making sure that you will never be manipulated again. The person you are now establishes boundaries, is unafraid to stand up for themselves, and knows the difference between love and manipulation.
Your journey towards recovery will not be linear. Some days will be harder than others. Trauma and the aftermath of abuse cannot be ignored. You might continue to get flashbacks, episodes, anxiety attacks, experience lapses of depression, or feel insecure, your abuser’s words still spiralling around in your head.
But the first step will always begin with forgiveness. Forgive YOURSELF for being with them. Forgive yourself for trying to fix someone you couldn’t fix. Forgive yourself for staying because you thought they would change or because you were scared of what they would do if you left.
Forgive yourself for putting them first, forgive yourself for not seeing the signs because their damage cannot be undone.
The world is still yours, and you are just getting started. They have always been finished and that’s why they needed YOU. They needed you to convince themselves that they were something, and it was in that effort that they took your essence.
Now it's time to take it back.
Prioritise YOUR healing. It’s time to take care of you. To give yourself that space you were never allotted in the relationship.
You only have two choices now. Sink or swim. It’s not always going to be smooth sailing and that’s ok. Just remember, no matter how rough the waters, you are all you have and you are worth the fight.
If you are still struggling to cope with your symptoms and need professional help, consider getting help from a therapist. Seeking help is not a sign a weakness, it’s a sign of strength, and remember, every person who walks the planet could benefit from therapy. It doesn’t mean that you are broken and need fixing or that there is something “wrong” with you.
If you cannot afford therapy or you have yet to find the right therapist for you (yes, not all therapists are for you! They are people too and not all people are meant to be in your life either)
Consider sharing your story with a friend or a family member or several. Through talking about it you can empower others to do the same and release anger and sadness you may still be harbouring.
Additionally, there are some incredible resources on Instagram that can be helpful. I know that I had some good cries while reading posts that really hit me hard. These resources have shed light on some particular feelings, memories or facts about relationships, both healthy and toxic, which has been beyond helpful too. To understand what is "normal" we need to understand what is not. To know what is right is to understand what is wrong.
Helpful resources
Seeking professional help should always be the first and best option. See if you can find a therapist who specialises in treating those recovering from narcissistic abuse. However, if you cannot currently afford therapy or are not quite ready, here are a few resources that have helped me personally gather the courage to talk to someone and begin my healing journey.
https://www.instagram.com/yourdiagnonsense/ (for expert advice on the healthy dynamics of all relationships. Because knowing what is healthy can also help you identify what is not)
Jasmine Melrose
Director & Founder of DECO the Blog
Jasmine Melrose is a Toronto native living in Amsterdam. Once a professional dancer, her passions include movement, fitness, yoga, healing, and all things vegan. Jasmine is a 500-hour trained yoga teacher, who loves to get you deeper into your practice. She is also a certified barre teacher who loves making raw vegan, guilt-free and good-for-you treats. Check out her recipes and articles on everything from fitness to yoga, to notes on a journey towards healing.
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